I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
