Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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