she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
