Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
