alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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