So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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