I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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