be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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