DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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