I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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