her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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