I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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