You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
