cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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