when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
