Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
