dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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