I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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