well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
