My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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