When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
