Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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