Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
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While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.