I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
well you can't waste a boner
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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