okay pat passed out under dana's car
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
