I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
