i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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