I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
