he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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