if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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