when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
