just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
