In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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