He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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