I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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