woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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