he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
