haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
