my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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