I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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