I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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