She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
