Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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