So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect