I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.