I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?