highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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