btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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