so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
