Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
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just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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