Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
