i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
