You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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