it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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