Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
