Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
