I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
