i wish starbucks made bloody marys
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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