I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Why is there bacon in the couch?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
