I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
