hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
