Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
